I’ve got pretty low expectations for the 50 SHADES OF GREY film about to ass-fist the fuck out of cinemas all over the world. However, I had high hopes for the soundtrack. Billionaire CEO who rolls with a leather briefcase full of cable-ties and rohypnol, tying bitches up in his sex dungeon… Or whatever… Okay so I didn’t read the books. I skimmed.
“His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel … or something.”
“And from a very tiny, underused part of my brain — probably located at the base of my medulla oblongata near where my subconscious dwells — comes the thought: He’s here to see you.”
“I feel the color in my cheeks rising again. I must be the color of The Communist Manifesto.”
“His lips are parted — he’s waiting, coiled to strike. Desire — acute, liquid and smoldering, combusts deep in my belly.”
“My insides practically contort with potent needy liquid desire.”
“Suddenly, he sits up and tugs my panties off and throws them on the floor. Pulling off his boxer briefs, his erection springs free. Holy cow!”
“I pull him deeper into my mouth so I can feel him at the back of my throat and then to the front again. My tongue swirls around the end. He’s my very own Christian Grey-flavored Popsicle. I suck harder and harder. … My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves.”
“His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel… or something.”
“You beguile me, Christian. Completely overwhelm me. I feel like Icarus flying too close to the sun.”
“Sitting beside me, he gently pulls my sweatpants down. Up and down like a whores’ drawers, my subconscious remarks bitterly. In my head, I tell her where to go. Christian squirts baby oil into his hand and then rubs my behind with careful tenderness. From makeup remover to soothing balm for a spanked ass, who would have thought it was such a versatile liquid?”
Stellar writing like that really made it a page-turner… Upon reading it, Salman Rushdie declared that he had “never read anything so badly written that got published. It made Twilight look like War and Peace.”
You don’t need to read the books cover to cover to figure out how shit it is. But the soundtrack, man, the music had to be good, right?
I recently got my hands on the 50 Shades soundtrack – with full intentions of reviewing it. Disappointment is an understatement. Listening to this album was as painful as reading the ‘books’ – if not more so. I dare say… It fails to climax. Here is the gist of my review:
SCORE : 0/5
This soundtrack is shit. Don’t listen to it ever. 4 tracks in and I felt like stabbing my eyes out with a fucking clutch-pencil.
BEST TRACK : There’s only one good song on the entire album. Here it is for free:
There. The only good song. For free. Now you never have to endure that over-hyped, under-sexed shit ever in your life. I’m a giver.
This got me thinking though. I could make a better 50 shades soundtrack. So that’s what I did… and because I’m a giver – To quote Eminem – “Get ready for some intense serious ass fucking.”
Happy Valentines Day everybody.