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In the 7th of March edition of THE TIMES, South African Author Paige Nick and I discussed our views on Pornography, the Four Types of Women in the world, unrealistic expectations and getting a boner in public.

SHE SAID/HE SAID

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PORNOGRAPHY – SHE SAYS:

 There are four kinds of women in the world when it comes to pornography. The first love it. They happily and shamelessly feast on it like they would Krispy Kremes if they had a super-fast metabolism.

I’m not talking about the same kind of porn guys watch; women mostly go in for a different bag – anything from Fifty Shades to online libraries full of videos that might float a woman’s boat.

In a relationship, this woman understands the role pornography can play in an exciting sex life and I suspect her partner is pretty happy about it if not exhausted. And when single, they use it as a tool to.well just as a tool really.

The second kind are women who willingly star in pornography and make a fortune doing it. Ahem, literally. I’m sure they’re all for it, unless they have to shag that Ron Jeremy guy, he’s gross. Although I don’t think they spend much time watching it on their day off. You know that adage, once you’ve worked in a sausage factory and seen how they’re made, can you ever really enjoy sausages again?

The third kind of woman is the camp I belong to. I get pornography. I know guys go in for it in a big way. And some of the stuff made for the women is okay. It’s no biggie now and then, as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone or affect your relationship.

And then there’s the fourth kind of woman. She has never seen any pornography, she does not want to see any pornography and she definitely does not want you to see any pornography. In fact, if we could vote on abolishing it from the universe, she would put her hand up first – and make a banner.

Meanwhile, across the gender lines, there are only two kinds of men when it comes to pornography. Those who hide their stash, and those who don’t.

 

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PORNOGRAPHY – HE SAYS:

I’m all for porn, and not in a sleazy way. I probably watch it a lot less than most guys, but it does seem faster, easier and, for some people, less emotional than having actual sex. You don’t need to cuddle porn when you’re done. You don’t even need to watch the end-credits.

There’s a problem with it though. Like all drugs, you soon become desensitised to all those bouncing boobies and grinding. Before you know it, you’re looking for porn that simply “has a good plot.”

As Dr Cox from Scrubs once said: “I’m fairly sure if they took porn off the internet, there’d be only one website left and it’d be called bringbacktheporn.”

When I was a younger man I watched so much porn I’d catch myself spitting on the front-door key before putting it into the lock. You know you’ve got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a sleaze bonanza in your browser address bar.

Pornography has pretty much conquered the world, it’s unavoidable. You can’t check your e-mails these days without a half-naked pop-up ruining your coffee shop experience, and High-Definition porn is now so clear you can literally see her parent’s disappointment.

Now I’m a bit older, and infinitely more bored with it all (because, let’s face it, if you’ve seen one porno you’ve seen them all), and I find myself more concerned than turned on.

David Foster Wallace said, that as the internet grows, “it’s gonna get easier and easier and more and more convenient and more and more pleasurable to sit alone… with images on a screen… given to us by people who do not love us but want our money.”

I’m concerned that porn teaches kids an unhealthy and unrealistic idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house. I’m concerned that porn gives men unrealistic expectations, the same way romantic films do for women.

Slightly older, I prefer living in the real world. Porn is so phony anyway – I mean, who has sex while the pizza is getting cold?

I mean really.

 

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Paige Nick is a regular SUNDAY TIMES columnist and the author of “Pens Behaving Badly” and the acclaimed “Death By Carbs” 

You can catch her blogging at A MILLION MILES FROM NORMAL

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