In the 11th of April edition of THE TIMES, South African Author Paige Nick and I discussed our views on Friendship, the Four Types of Women in the world, unrealistic expectations and getting a boner in public.

SHE SAID/HE SAID

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FRIENDSHIP – SHE SAYS:

 The other day a guy friend was telling me he had bumped into an old mutual friend of ours who told him she had recently gotten divorced. I had 20 questions. Who left whom? What about the kids? Did she seem okay? But he only had one answer for all of them, “Um, I don’t know.”

And folks, there it is in a nutshell, the ultimate difference between guy friends and girl friends. Forget the fact that the guys have an outie, and we have an innie, that’s nothing in comparison. Because the real, true, absolute difference is in how we gather, process and disseminate information to our buddies.

Women require certain things from a friendship. These include: a lot of details, loyalty, empathy, shared weirdness and common ground, although preferably different taste in men and shoes.

While men simply require a mate who grunts his response to any question, can discuss sports in some detail, doesn’t cock-block and doesn’t look at your wiener when you pee.

I do wonder why we’re like this in terms of evolution. Surely if the caveman was the one chasing down the buffalo out there on the savannah, with nothing more than a club, he would need to be attuned to every detail around him, and not just the contents of his navel?

I’m sorry dudes, but your grunts just aren’t enough for me. Which is why, the older I get, the more I’ve turned to my closest female friends. Because I need the good details, all of them. And guys, I can’t believe your fellow guy friends don’t feel the same way. I mean if I wanted to have a conversation with the general feeling that you might not actually be listening to me, I’d just chat to my boyfriend.

 

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FRIENDSHIP – HE SAYS:

My last will and testament includes a list of friends who are not allowed to speak at my funeral, and there are good reasons why.

I’m the kind of friend you’ve got to explain to your other friends before you introduce them to me – the kind you never, ever put on speakerphone.

The girlfriends and spouses of my friends rarely like me. To them, I’m that bad influence who takes their man away from whatever Grey’s Anatomy or True Blood marathon they’ve been doing in bed late at night.

“Just one drink,” I say, and one drink soon turns into nine beers, five tequilas, three bottles of wine, singing ‘Wonderwall’ in the streets and dropping somebody several times whilst carrying them to the car.Recovery time usually takes longer than minor surgery.

But I do have a few redeeming qualities, and these are demonstrated through the several things I’ve learnt about real friendship.

I’m willingto do an eleven hour drive to fetch your dumb, stranded, irresponsible ass from an unfriendly city – I’m looking at you, van Rensburg.

I’ll never make a move on your mom, but I can’t make any promises regarding your sister. I’ll get you the ugliest stripper I can find for your bachelor’s party, but a stripper nonetheless.

I will do everything in my power to make sure you’re happy. This includes blackmail, misdirection, lying, sabotage and even murder.

Best friends greet one another with an insult. Best friends reply to everything with; “That sounds like a terrible idea. What time?”

I’ve been in places I didn’t want to be. I’ve been in the middle. I’ve carried coffins. I’ve molested wedding cakes. I’ve been in drug dens. I’ve been in holding cells. I’ve been beside hospital beds.

Real friendship will take you there, sooner or later, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Friends are the bacon bits in the salad bowl of life. One day you may find yourself on a barstool next to me somewhere, and I’ll say;

“You’re absolutely ridiculous. We should hang out and do stuff together.”

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Paige Nick is a regular SUNDAY TIMES columnist and the author of “Pens Behaving Badly” and the acclaimed “Death By Carbs” 

Her new novel, Dutch Courage, will be launched soon!

You can catch her blogging at A MILLION MILES FROM NORMAL

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