TOP TEN THINGS I CAN’T STOP HATING:
#1 PEOPLE WHO WEAR THEIR SUNGLASSES ON THE BACK OF THEIR HEADS
There’s something seriously wrong with a person who chooses to keep their sunglasses on the back of their head, where the only function they could possibly serve is to make you look like a doos. The only acceptable excuse for behaving this way is that you have brain damage. But no, I guess wearing your sunglasses like a normal human being is too mainstream for Back-Of-Head-Sunglasses-Guy, because the latest trend blazing through our idiotic, pathetic, desperate little planet is to use things in ways they were never meant to be used in the first place. All this ever does is make normal people want to put you in a fucking headlock. Also, the five-second rule should apply to wearing sunglasses indoors… Only two types of people wear sunglasses indoors… Blind People and Assholes. People who wear spectacles for aesthetic purposes are also stupid, and so are people who frost the tips of their hair…
#2 PEOPLE WHO ARE IN THE WAY
I can’t wait for natural selection to take out all the slow walkers. I mean, I’m real glad that you’re having such a delightful day right in front of me, or that your overweight family is taking up the entire corridor with your slow-as-fuck saunter, but when I finally snap and start punching people in the back of the head… Well, you only have yourself to blame. My hatred for slow-walkers extends to people who leave their fucking shopping cart in the middle of the supermarket aisle while they stare in slack-jawed confusion at the shelves, and Capetonian drivers, who are all bound to die in horrific low-speed motor accidents in the narrow-roaded suburbs somewhere. Stop staring at the mountain and move your fucking Mini Cooper, bitch. Also, don’t be that piece of shit who doesn’t get out of the way when an ambulance is trying to get through… You’d think nobody would have to tell you this, yet, every single day…
#3 BOOKS WHICH USE THE FILM ADAPTATION POSTER AS THE BOOK COVER
Not only do film studios frequently ruin our literature by adapting it all into heartless, meaningless, sorry excuses for blockbuster movies made by talentless hacks who only want to bleed us dry and have no real interest in staying faithful to the source material… But the publishers themselves soon get in on the gang-bang culture-rape by promoting those shitty fucking movies all over the covers of the books we once loved. Once the movie comes out, bookstores have to deal with this shit for a good couple of years. Good luck trying to find a copy of Fight Club without Brad Pitt all over it, or God save you, a copy of Twilight without Kristen Stewart’s mopey face, or Taylor Lautner’s abs. What I absolutely hate the most of all is when they announce the cast of the film all over the top of the book as well…
Yeah, I do look at a book cover and judge it. Don’t tell me what I can and cannot do, asshole. Jesus, Hollywood, stop fucking destroying everything.
#4 PEOPLE WHO STRIVE FOR RELEVANCE
Here’s a newsflash for you; Nobody Gives A Fuck. Nobody even knows you exist. Nobody wants to hear about your stupid fucking opinions, or your stupid ideas, or any of your stupid achievements. You’re a loser and you’re all alone. Nobody is really noticing your stupid fucking hairstyle, but they are noticing that twelve other dudes are rocking the exact same style, and those same dudes are also wearing the exact same faded skinny-jeans and hidden socks. Nobody gives a fuck that you’re a writer and you’re sitting in a diner at 2am or a coffee shop at noon labouring over your latest attempt at a meaningful novel where everybody can see you. Nobody is going to ask you about your work. Nobody gives a fuck that the bands you listen to aren’t famous. They aren’t famous because they’re probably shit. Nobody cares about the Indie / Electro / Techno Canadian band’s logo you’ve got on that beaten up guitar you carry around but never play. You’ve conformed to non-conformity and you’re a fucking loser and your hair looks shit and those fake glasses you wear don’t make you look intellectual, because the real intellectuals know what you’re trying to do and you stink of poser and fear. Nobody gives a shit that you’re a vegan. Nobody gives a shit about your local Vape Station. You’re a fucking disgrace. Stop making stupid memes and stupider YouTube channels trying so hard to be funny. Nobody you care about is relevant. Nothing you care about is relevant, and none of it ever was because relevance itself is a ton of horse-shit. Stop listening to the fucking internet and be yourself. Which is a worthless fucking nobody, a decaying mass of meat and bone upon a rock hurtling through space toward oblivion.
I will wear Fedora’s if I want to. Eat a dick, internet.
#5 REBOOTS, REMAKES AND DARK REIMAGININGS
I don’t despise reboots, remakes and dark reimaginings as much as I despise the terms themselves. Writing, as far as films go, has become lazier than Matthew McConaughey’s voice. It’s no wonder Hollywood has taken to destroying our literature instead of trying to come up with new, original stories. Sure, there are exceptions… But for every Birdman we get not one, but two Spiderman reboots. Reboots of reboots. For every Pulp Fiction we get another fucking Tim Burton-helmed stake to the heart of our childhood. For every Tarantino we get a Michael Bay. For every Scorsese, we have to put up with a fucking Catherine Hardwicke. For every Sixth Sense Shyamalan we get a Last Airbender Shyamalan.
There’s simply no good reason to remake The Crow or American Psycho, or to turn fairytales into dark fairytales, or to adapt great English television shows into shitty American movies, or to keep giving Tim Burton any form of work whatsoever. Who’s looking forward to him destroying Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children later this year? Yaaaaaay.
Good luck saving that piece of shit, Eva Green’s Tits.
It’s a dark day indeed when video games oust films as the most original form of entertainment. Great writing, original thinking, stunning visuals, endless hours of entertainment. Nice try, Peter Jackson. Your shitty Hobbit films looked like one long video game cut scene. We saw right through your trickery. Go fuck yourself.
#6 PAYING FOR SHIT I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO
Why the hell does printer ink cost more than buying a new printer? And why the fuck are we paying so much money for pizza, which essentially started out as peasant food. Good luck affording a pizza now, peasants.
Why can’t I park anywhere in Cape Town without paying for it? It’s a street. Fuck. I pay taxes, why can’t I park where the hell I want? In trying to avoid it – I pulled up to the boom gate of a nearby “designated parking area” and asked the cow-eyed woman in the little ticket booth; “How much do you charge for parking?”
“R45,” she says flatly.
“But I’m only going to be five minutes.”
“Seriously? For five minutes?”
Bitch FUCK you.
And why do I need to pay for access to a public toilet? This is exactly how your stupid little mall gets vandalized. If I need to pay to use a public bathroom, I’m pissing all over the floor, like 100%. Don’t even get me started on Apple’s overpriced bullshit, or disgusting Starbucks coffee, or snacks at the movie theater. I’m just not paying it, because I’m not stupid and I have nothing to prove to anybody. One of the most expensive things you’ll ever do is pay attention to the wrong people.
#7 NOISY EATERS
I mean… I get it… Crunchy food makes crunchy sounds. Slurpy food, like spaghetti, God help me, makes slurpy sounds.
Is there anything more annoying than hearing somebody eat? No… No there isn’t. Not when you eat with your fucking mouth wide open, sounding like a goddamn Clydesdale in a feeding bag. I even hate hearing myself eat. It’s like listening to Lil Wayne’s music. There’s eating crisps, and then there’s crunching crisps louder than a fucking jackhammer tearing up a pavement. Are you eating crisps or rocks? Do you have a chainsaw in your gullet? It makes people want to stab you in the eye with a clutch pencil. It makes people want to throw up on themselves. By Christ, when the drink is finished it is FINISHED, stop slurping at your straw when people are trying to watch the movie, you fuck. Give up. Let it go. There will be another drink, another day. There’s no need to gulp shit down in such a fucking frenzy. Did you even taste that shit? There’s no need to lick that mayo off your plate. There’s no need to lick your fingers so loudly or smack your lips together.
There’s no need to scratch your knife and fork against your plate until they screech. There’s no reason to pop chewing gum bubbles. There’s no reason to eat yourself out of breath. There’s no reason to snort or slurp or scoff. Oh wait, there is… You’re obnoxious and your parents didn’t hit you in the fucking mouth enough when you were a brat. Now you’re an adult, and sooner or later somebody is going to slam your head into a table while you’re crunching your ice with your mouth open.
#8 HASHTAGS AND PEOPLE WHO USE INTERNET-SPEAK IRL
There’s nothing more sobering than that moment when you catch yourself lol‘ing in the real world, during an actual conversation with an actual person… And I don’t mean literally laughing out loud… I mean your dumb ass actually saying ‘Lol’
I know how you feel.
You have a problem.
Reminds me of the time I caught myself double-tapping a coffee mug and realizing I was an alcoholic. If you don’t get that reference, that’s because you’re a fucking loser who never goes outside and who uses stupid non-words like Lit, BRB, Bae, L2M, QTPI, OMG and 2morro in actual face-to-face conversation, or use your fingers to form a hashtag when you talk… and then actually SAY “Hashtag Whatever.”
I also like 0 photos on Instagram. Fuck stupid Instagram and your stupid photos. Oh, I’m sorry, your photos are all so confusing to a noob like me, you’re gonna have to hashtag every single detail of it for me so that I can grasp what’s going on here.
#9 PEOPLE WHO TAKE OFFENCE
I’m sure a lot of you will be reading this list and feel all butthurt at something I’ve said. You might even take it personally, and you shouldn’t, because you don’t matter and neither does your feelings.
It’s a simple fact of life that people who aren’t funny are easily offended by funny jokes, or maybe your parents shouldn’t have raised such a little daffodil. People who get offended on the internet are the same type of people who take Putt-Putt seriously, and the worst of all those poor offended people are the Internet Liberals, who:
- Will claim you misspelled a word, and therefore render your point invalid.
- Complain you are intolerant of others, while simultaneously swearing at you or insulting you and wishing death upon all conservatives.
- Claim that you are racist, sexist, homophobic, blasphemous or a general piece of shit, and believe they have won the argument based solely on moral grounds, once they are lost on facts and evidence.
- Are fucking delusional.
I’m so sorry that I offended you with my common sense, as if being offended gives you some kind of right. As if I now owe you something, like an apology or a hug or some shit. You’re offended, great, so what? Do I need to respect that? No. Being offended doesn’t mean you’re right. Wait until you hear the opinions I keep to myself.
#10 HYPOCRITES AND PEOPLE WHO TRY TO END LISTS ALL CLEVER-LIKE
Stfu, I know what I am.
I hate myself and I hate this list.