In the 10th of April edition of THE TIMES, Paige Nick and I talk about the why of cheating, heartbreak across the gender lines, and I finally get around to saying something bad about Stellenbosch, because fuck that stupid, git town.

SHE SAID/HE SAID

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ADULTERY – SHE SAYS:

Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it, let’s do it, let’s fall in love, then let’s meet someone at work, sneak around a bit, have mad, dirty motel/car/elevator/desk sex, until your significant other picks up your cell phone and spots sixteen million filthy texts, many containing the aubergine and flame emojis (why no guava?) and busts you. Let’s do it, let’s fall in love.

Every month, my co-writer, Jason Mykl Snyman and I have a Facebook messenger conversation that can last anything from ten minutes to ten days, where we bat around topics and try to decide what to write about next from a She Says/He Says point of view.

But this month has been more challenging than most, because we chose adultery, and that never ends well for anyone. I’ve since spent a stupid amount of time considering how women feel about cheating compared with how men feel about it, and I’ve come to the conclusion that we’ve stumbled on a subject that affects men and women in pretty much the same way.

The only person who doesn’t mind a cheater is a person who is also cheating. That’s got to ease your conscience.

We can’t even divide society into whether men or women are better at adultery, as it has more to do with your personality and your situation, than your penis or your vagina. And I’ve seen enough men and women at the bottom of a tub of chocolate-chocolate-chip or inside a bottle of regret, to know that heartbroken looks the same across gender lines.

And the why of cheating isn’t sexist either. We all have the same basic reasons for doing it. Because we can, because we’re stupid, because we drank too much, because, because, because.

I once knew a couple who discovered they were both cheating on each other with the SAME person. That’ll flatten the moral highground with a bulldozer.

 

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ADULTERY – HE SAYS:

There is something horribly broken about our society.

Oscar Wilde once said; those who are faithless know the pleasures of love; it is the faithful who know love’s tragedies.

It used to be that when you were caught doing the horizontal tango with the milkman, you’d have to walk around with a scarlet letter, branding you as someone who has committed adultery. Now, a decent human being can’t even go online to pirate some series without some or other website popping up trying to convince you that cheating is in vogue.

When considering joining a site whose slogan is Life is Short, Have an Affair – a good alternative is to stop being a complete idiot and just not do that. It’s easy to chalk this behavior down to being ‘open-minded’ or ‘free spirited’ or ‘#LivingTheHoLife’ and fall into this trap – I’ve learnt that the hard way.

My girlfriend once found lipstick in my pocket. I told her straight up that I was cheating, but only because there’s no way I’m going to confess that I was selling Avon. We all make mistakes. But cheating isn’t a mistake, nor an accident. Falling off your bicycle is an accident. You don’t trip and fall into somebody’s vagina. It’s a choice.

In 2015, online cheating site, Ashley Madison, had their database of 32 Million users hacked. The details of those morons are still widely available. We’re living in a society of monogamously challenged people outsourcing their sex life, engaging in textramarital affairs on their phones, trading temporary pleasure for permanent regret, and for the most part, people seem to be okay with it. Stellenbosch is basically Sodom for liberal gits and Randfontein men spend more time hiding in wardrobes than at work.

Now, I’m not saying that if a guy doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, or if he won’t let you go through his phone that he’s cheating. He probably just has a lot of porn on there. But if ever there was a planet deserving of a meteor…

Cheating is easy. Try something challenging, like commitment.

***

Paige Nick is a regular SUNDAY TIMES columnist and the author of “Pens Behaving Badly” and the acclaimed “Death By Carbs” 

Her new novel, Dutch Courage, is out now!

You can catch her blogging at A MILLION MILES FROM NORMAL

Email us if there are any topics you’d like to hear about from a She Said/He Said point of view: amillionmilesfromnormal@gmail.com

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