In the 7th of August edition of THE TIMES, Paige Nick and I talk about the do’s and don’ts of the Horizontal Mambo (great band name, it’s mine, don’t steal it.)
Everything Cosmo has been telling you is wrong, fess up to trying your luck with the wrong hole and how to improve your nipple game. Totally family friendly.
SHE SAID/HE SAID
WHAT YOU’RE DOING WRONG IN THE SACK – SHE SAYS:
Well I know what women get wrong in general, but that’s easy, at one point I’d had more than nineteen consecutive first dates. I certainly wasn’t getting anything right.
Some of the things us women have been doing wrong since the beginning of Cosmopolitan Magazine, are things like stressing about cellulite, or allowing the world to con us into removing all our hair from our necks down. All wrong.
But figuring out my own gender’s shortcomings isn’t my assignment this month, thank goodness, we don’t have the rugby field of space I’d need to get through all of it, so let’s rather focus on a few of the things I think the opposite sex gets wrong.
We can get the obvious ones out of the way quickly, like how you get being sick, your remote control technique and stacking the dishwasher all wrong. You’ve clearly been getting ruling the world wrong too, but maybe we shouldn’t talk about politics, sex is so much less of a minefield. So here are a few things guys get wrong in the bedroom.
Like when you try your luck with the wrong hole and then when things don’t go your way, you pretend it was an accident. No guy is that bad at geography. You’re doing it wrong.
Or nipples. Most of you are doing whatever you do to them wrong. Google it, and I don’t mean Google how it’s done in pornos, that’s generally wrong too.
If you’ve ever tried to high five or fist-bump a woman after sex, you’re getting it wrong. I’m not the quarterback on your team, guy.
Wearing socks during sex? I can guarantee you’re doing it wrong. It’s never cold enough to warrant that, not even if we’re screwing in an igloo in the outer Arctic.
Coming to bed in a onesie? Are you an adult male? You’re doing it wrong.
And most importantly, if we’re in the middle of an argument, just so you know, whatever it is you’re doing right this second, you’re doing it wrong.
WHAT YOU’RE DOING WRONG IN THE SACK – HE SAYS:
There’s a worn-out sentiment that’s particularly true to men; Sex is like pizza – even when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good. A common misconception well documented on all ‘Moms Who Love Wine’ blogs is that women don’t really need to do much work and it’s up to the man to know what’s going on, and we botch it up all too often.
Here are a few quick tips. When you finally find out where the clitoris is, don’t give it friction burn. Don’t break out into song. Whoever taught you that ‘ABC’ cunnilingus trick was just trying to make a fool out of you. Look up cunnilingus in a dictionary. Try not to call her by the wrong name and lastly, do not thank her afterwards. Don’t be that guy.
But, I’m not here to talk about the sexual ineptitude of men. I have a black belt in sex; I’ve got nothing to worry about. I’m here to talk about surefire ways that women commit involuntary mood-slaughter and have men checking their watch every ten seconds.
These, in the bedroom, are what religion and politics are to conversation. These are the top five things women do wrong during sex:
- I don’t know what the latest Cosmo has declared as the new ‘in thing’ – but do not slip your thumb up my bum. The real men still present prefer our steaks rare, our jeans unskinny and our anus inviolate.
- Faking an orgasm is one thing, but going overboard with the noises is just annoying. I can appreciate enthusiasm, but this isn’t PornHub.
- Bringing out comparisons to ex-boyfriends will have a Freestate man bringing out the shotgun. Don’t do it.
- Taking role play to necrophilia levels. Don’t just lay there like a starfish, get involved. Show us those tricks you learnt from reading Paige’s articles.
- Lastly, insecurity isn’t sexy. Initiate the action from time to time and flaunt what you’ve got. If all else fails, bend at the waist, not at the knees, remember to arch your back and everything will turn out just fine.
Her hilarious new novel – Unpresidented – is available for pre-order on Amazon now!
You can catch her blogging at A MILLION MILES FROM NORMAL
Email us if there are any topics you’d like to hear about from a She Said/He Said point of view: firstname.lastname@example.org